Monday, February 28, 2011

Planning my Gardens

I got excited to see my Ricters Herb and Seed catalogue in the mail last week. I spent the weekend perusing it and writing down what I would like to get. I am planning a new herbal medicine sort of garden as well as our regular herb garden.

So I am excited to design a new garden as well as get my vegetable garden ready. It has been warmer here lately and I do have some tulips sprouts popping up. It is nice but considering that this is only the end of February and I live in Ontario, Canada, I don't think it will last.

But the warm weather combined with my new plant catalogue makes me excited for spring.

Saturday, February 26, 2011


A Howl,

Monday, February 21, 2011


This week I want to work on patience in my family. I have little patience at times and this morning I saw that coming out in my children. It breaks my heart to hear them losing their patience. I am supposed to be teaching them how to have patience and instead I demonstrate the opposite. So I have decided in attempts to make changes in my life for the better I will pick something to work on every week. This week I had thought to work on exercising more or making a conscious effort to meditate every day but I think patience will be what I am working on this week.
I am going to make an effort to recognise when I am losing my patience and work on regaining it. Even once I stop myself from fully losing my patience I still have a short fuse once its already been ignited so I need to work on bringing myself back from that edge. I need to learn and teach good strategies for dealing with frustration. I think my whole family would benefit from breathing techniques and learning when to step back for a minute. I am pretty good in recognising it in the kids and removing them from a situation that I know will turn volatile, now I need to recognise the same things in myself.

Sunday, February 20, 2011

Early Morning Chill

We are babysitting my brothers dog this weekend and so since my husband is off today and I am feeling better, I took the dog out for a quick walk this morning. We are lucky to have a farmers field behind us so we walked across it. I love the silence of a winter morning. The sun sparkling off the snow a gentle breeze that is cold and refreshing on my sleepy skin. I could hear a woodpecker in the distance and there were windchimes singing in the breeze, Dong-ding-ding-Dongding.

Saturday, February 19, 2011

Warm to Cold and our capacity to love

Yesterday the weather was a positively balmy 10 degrees, in the middle of February. But Mother Nature has once again brought us all back after tempting us with a hint of spring with -14 degrees today. I was thinking that I for one appreciate and can enjoy spring more because of how harsh the winter gets during January and February. We had two days of spring in the middle of February, lots of sun, warm temperatures, snow melting and the air smelled of spring. I could almost feel the earth quickening and the plants waking. Spring was tangible, it was there and then today we have blizzard warnings and an icy harsh wind. I sit here watching the wind make the snow dance and race across the field. Walking outside the wind takes your breath away and the cold finds ways to reach every bare bit of skin. It makes me long for spring even more.

I was also thinking today about the capacity of love. I have been sick the past two days so have spent my time watching romantic movies and TV. We have an amazing capacity to love sometimes to the point of stupidity. I for one have had my heart broken numerous times and every time I say to myself that's it, I will never be able to do this again. Yet my heart opens again and again with a hope to find a love that will match my love. I know that many women go through this too, so many times we go back hoping that they will change and love us back, so many times we say we are done and yet still secretly hops love will come, so many times we try and try and try again. We stay waiting for things to change while our hearts bleed but there is always a hope, always that small bit of hope that someday we will find a fulfilling love. A love that sustains us instead of drains us.

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Trying again

I haven't done much of anything lately. I have been so tired. First off I haven't been sleeping well. The kids have been sick which means a lot of nights with very little sleep and then my husband caught it, which meant more sleepless nights. I am so tired and it makes me feel depressed.

But I want to make a change. I want to get up at my usual time do yoga or go for a walk, take the time to eat healthily all day and accomplish some things off my list of things to do. I just need some sleep.

I also want to do more with the kids. I also wish I was more crafty. I want to make a commitment to meditate and I want to go back to school. I cant wait for summer, the warm weather makes things so much easier. I love being outside and gardening and I feel so much better about having the kids outside all day.
So to sleep and get more more procrastinating. This needs to happen.

Thursday, February 10, 2011

I was told, you want to write, so write

Those were the words from one of my friends mouths on my birthday. I know she is right but I am a procrasinator, low on self-confidence and my brain can never settle on one topic. I was thinking about writing about a conversation I had with a friend of mine about the logistics of two women living together (both heterosexual) and raising their kids. But then as I start formulating what I want to write my mind jumps to another topic related to the first.
Maybe if i write it out I will feel better.....

The conversation about two hetero friends living together rasing their kids came up because we are both pissed at our husbands for reasons too long to get into. So thats one.
I am angry at my husband for past events and issues that are ongoing.
I am angry at a longime friend that dumped me out of her most important day because of issues I was having.
I am angry at my parents for constantly butting their noses in and trying to run my life still even though I have time and time again explained to them that my husband and I dont want to do things their way.
I am angry at myself for not getting a proper full education and now being stuck without a career position to help my family instead only able to get minimum wage jobs that just keeps the bills paid.
I am angry at my family for not respecting my wishes when it comes to my kids, home etc.
I am angry at my old supervisor for being such an incredible bitch so much so that I felt harassed and bullied and left my job.
I am angry at myself for leaving the job because of some chick.
I hate myself for getting really angry at the kids.

Do I feel better right now, no. I feel riled up and full of anxiety. I hope I can let it all go now, I am sending all my hurt and anger out into the world wide web. Let it be with me no longer.
Goodbye bad feelings!

Thursday, February 3, 2011

Soba Noodle Dinner

I got this recipe from Today's Parent magazine but I altered it to use what I had in house. The kids loved it. I was going to take a picture but there is nothing left.

a package of soba noodles
1 red pepper
1 bunch of kale
1 carrot
1/4 red cabbage
1/2 cup of water
1/2 cup of soy sauce
1 tbsp of rice vinegar
1 tbsp of sweet chili sauce
1 tbsp of honey
sesame seeds

mix the water, soy sauce, rice vinegar, sweet chili sauce and honey in a small pot and bring to a boil. remove from the heat and mix to ensure the honey has dissolved. Bring a large pot of salted water to boiling. Add the soba noodles and boil for 3 minutes, drain. Sliver the carrot and pepper and rip the kale into small pieces. shred the cabbage. mix the vegetables, noodles and sauce in a large bowl. stir then leave. it will seem watery at first but the noodles will absorb the excess. sprinkle with sesame seeds.

Leaving 28 behind

This is the eve of my last day of being 28. Not a substantial number but I have learned a lot in these years. This year I had a few realisations that have helped my world view to expand. Some of them seem so simple but when you really think about them its amazing how small and insignificant we are in the grand scheme of things. Not to say that life is insignificant, life is wonderful and meaningful. But we as North Americans and possibly all humans put a lot of emphasis on things that are unimportant and seem to ignore the things that are. So here is all that life has given me this year.

1. I worked hard at changing my lifestyle and was rewarded with losing over 40lbs.
2. I found a lost sick puppy that someone had tossed in a ditch and I fought for 3 days to keep her with us on this planet. It was grueling and scary holding her little life in my hands. We named her Daisy.
3. I gave up being at home and rejoined the workforce.
4. My husband and my relationship hit rock bottom. I lost some people I thought were friends, I lost the trust of my husband, I was betrayed by people I loved and trusted, I lost my job and I don't know that we have recovered from this yet, there are a lot of changes yet to be made.
5. I started to meditate.
6. I realised one night looking at a sunset on one of the equinoxes that time marches on and has always no matter what is happening. The earth continues to change the seasons and rotate the same way it did 1 million years ago, 1 thousand years ago, 100 years ago and it will continue to do so. Our ancestors looked at the same sunsets we do and they have passed into history and so shall we and the earth will keep rotating.
7. I have found myself a very good set of eclectic friends that I love dearly and I know they love me for who I am.
8. I am living my life as myself and trying to let go of trying to please everyone. I am also trying to express myself when I am angry or hurt instead of burying it.
9. Winter is absolutely silent, more silent then any day in the summer.
10. I got a new job doing something I thought I would love. I have been afraid to take the steps to start my career, worried about what happens if I fail and then I have nothing left and have been taking minimum wage jobs instead. I left that job after I realised how ridiculous I was stressing myself out because my supervisor at the job had it out for me and harassed me.
11. My baby boy started school!
12. Every action has a reaction, its easy to see the spiderweb we are all apart of. Things we do now may have consequences later. Everyone has had something affect them in some meaningful way.
13. We are all weird in our own way and we should celebrate that!
14. I need more patience.
15. I have much to learn and I should enjoy having the knowledge come in its own time.....refer to #14.
16. I am smart and a good person......everyone needs to believe this and KNOW it.
17. I have trust issues.
18. I have been realizing that our lives are more closely tied to nature then we think.
19. I have been trying to let go of my prejudices.
20. I have finally taken the steps I needed to for my career. I applied and to my surprise had a interview for a job that would be a great learning place and start to my career. I also have seen that if I do not get this job I need to go back to school, in fact even if I get the job I still need more schooling.
21. I am in charge of making myself happy. No one else.
22. Money is a hard thing to control.
23. I choose how I raise my kids.
24. I got my first tattoo and didn't chicken out or cry.
25. I can stand up for myself.
26. I can still play soccer and golf well!
27. I have a whole lot of compassion and empathy.
28. All the love and joy my children bring me everyday!!!!!!